Most Days...

Most days I am happy to be alive.  I feel productive, useful and energetic, and I recognize that I am blessed beyond measure.

Most days I am settled in my current life.  I recognize that I made a choice years ago to be single when I left my husband, and I knew that decision could mean that I may be single for a very long time...maybe always.  I was happy with the decision, because I was so unhappy with the alternative.  I have never doubted that decision.

Most days I love being alone...I love time to myself, controlling the remote, choosing what I want for dinner, choosing what to do with my time, working on my own projects and cleaning up after myself when I want to.  I like picking my own clothes up off the floor, doing my own laundry, not having to clean the house every single day, and the joy of running to the grocery store and back within 30 minutes!  I even enjoy days sometimes when I don't have to talk to anyone.

Most days I am patient and understanding.  I truly do understand when something comes up, or when a grocery line takes a long time to get through, or when things don't go as planned.  I am resourceful, quick to find alternatives, or patient through the process.  I know what to do and can offer help, knowing that sometimes that is not always what someone needs, and that's ok.  I have no problem standing down and going back to my own plans.

Most days I can do it all, and sometimes even impress myself in the process!

Then there are some days...when I do not feel wanted / needed / loved.  When the burdens of being alone seem to stack up higher than the advantages.  When it seems monumental that the responsibility of providing for myself and my pups financially, emotionally and physically is too much.  When I can't keep the house clean enough and the yard taken care of, when I can't catch up with school work, and when I just don't seem to ever have enough of a break to recover.  When working takes so much energy, and driving takes so much time, and walking the dogs even seems hard.

Some days I feel so completely alone...with no one to talk to or share the burden with at the end of the day.  When I go to the one place that always welcomes me without fail, and find that I feel forgotten even there.  Sometimes on these days I book a massage or hair appointment just to feel the touch of another person, even if I have to pay them.

Some days, the dog coming in and putting her head on my knee can bring me to tears, because I feel like she cares when it doesn't feel like anyone else does.  (This only happens with one of my dogs -- the other one disappears when she can tell I'm sad!  Her life is all about her!)

Some days I just want a friend to talk to, to interact with, to help me not feel so completely alone in the world.

Thank goodness Some Days don't happen very often!!!  Most days I would be embarrassed to post and admit to this...which will probably happen tomorrow!